Bogus Inventions We Wish Were Real!


They say necessity is the mother of invention, and it’s true. Any life-changing event or crisis brings about a whole new  set of needs, which leads to a whole new set of potential business ideas. Some may be bordering on genius. Others may be in the deep end of bullshit. Like many others,  we can’t help daydreaming about what will be The Next Big Thing™ in the Coronavirus age. Here are our suggestions:

1) Hand-Free Pastizzi Holders

Many things define us as a people. Our flag. Our anthem. Our History. But it is the love for  pastizzi that truly unites us. However, some of us may be wary of enjoying this local delicacy, since it requires using your hands to eat it. So, how about a hand-free pastizzi holder? Burger King already put out a Hands-Free Whopper Holder, so why not give the concept a more local spin?

2) Holographic Priest

As the most religious country in Europe, missing Sunday Mass will be a big sacrifice for many of us. So why not combine old-school dogma with new-school tech, with Holographic Priests? Have your favourite local Father appear virtually in your home, and enjoy all the excitement of a weekly sermon from the safety of your couch . Subscribe to the Premium account, and you can upgrade to The Pope.

3) Mobile Body Attachment

Working from home has it’s plus points ( we’re looking at you, 8.30 AM Alarm). But there’s one particular bone-of-contention: the frequent video calls. These require us to be sitting down for long periods of time, which can get both bum-aching and tedious. The Solution?  A hands-free Mobile Attachment, that will allow you to chat on Zoom and move around the house. Hell, you can even chat while walking outdoors (remember to keep your distance from others though)

4) Robotic Dog Walkers

If lockdown rules get stricter, and leaving the home becomes more limited, walking the dog will be very difficult. Rather than deal with cleaning your pooch’s business indoors, let’s invest in Robot Dog Walkers. These nifty A.I devices will take your pal round the block, and pick up any waste for laster disposal. Sort of  a poop-scooping WALL-E.

5) Video Call Glitch Simulator

Video group-chats with friends are  awkward, confusing , and  go on for far too long. Trouble is, how do you leave the conversation without seeming rude? The answer is a Video-Call Glitch Simulator. This program will make it seem as though your stream is breaking up, giving you no other choice than to leave the chat. Now you can get back to Netflix without seeming like a dick.

6) Pizza Delivery Drones

The delivery business is booming at the moment, but one way to have a competitive advantage would be delivery drones. Not only would they be able to bring you your pizza quicker than a car, but it would eliminate the need to interact with the delivery person.   And it’ll be really badass, making ordering a pepperoni feel like launching a strike attack from a military base.